It seems a little odd for me to write an introductory post like this, about 2 years into having my blog. However, my full story is something I have never really felt comfortable with sharing, and it is only now that I want to share some of the greater details of my life.
I sometimes fear that I come across a bit oblivious to reality and the dark, scary bits of life. It’s very easy for me to sit on a comfy sofa and type out a few blog posts on a pink website and share them onto my instagram. It’s very easy for me to be on this side of life, because I’ve been so so far on the other side of life.
I know that when you are in the depths and the darkness of mental health or a poor living situation, there’s no pink instagram quotes or fluffy blog-posts which will make you feel any better. I know, because I’ve been there.
My family home in 2020 is worlds away from where it used to be. At protection and respect of my mother, father and brother – there are many details from my home life which I will omit from this blogpost, because it’s not my place to write about other people’s struggles.
My home experience in my early years was difficult and often painful. I lived in a small cottage, later a council house, with my mum and brother. Both my mum and brother struggle with mental health conditions which severely impact their daily life. My father never lived with us, but there were often severe and challenging altercations between my mother and father, which involved court cases and child custody battles.
To my advantage and disadvantage, I was a very smart and switched on child. I could spot things before they even happened, and I was very perceptive that my home life wasn’t normal. I knew that, at age 7, I shouldn’t be the one waking my brother up before school or telling my mum to go to sleep when it got past 10pm.
There was a point where I had more social workers than friends. Instead of being invited to birthday parties, I spend most of my time visiting Sure Start children’s centres or being councilled about my life, when all I wanted to do was play some polly pocket.
I had a childhood which seemed to be copied and pasted from a Jacquline Wilson book, and I was a curly head of hair away from living on the dumping ground.
However, the resentment and sadness I had throughout my childhood developed and manifested over-time into a determination and drive to live a better life. I never wanted to be in a situation again where I felt so isolated and out of the norm.
To clarify, with age I have realised that the situation I was in as a child was completely out of my mother’s hands. She worked extremely hard, with the support of my family and social services to provide a better life for myself and my brother. I am always proud of how far my mum has developed as a person, and my home life is much more peaceful and welcoming than a decade agao.
My determination to pave a better life for myself was often shaken and knocked down by the consequential poor mental health I developed in my teenage years. The good old Freudian Daddy Issues and Ainsworth attachment theories threw themselves into full throttle during my teenage years.
From age 13-18 I was a confused, hormonal, upset shell of a human. Struggling with anorexia, depression and anxiety – I never thought I would ever recover and have a better life. I thought, because my life had been shit thus far – it would be shit for the forseeable.
However, in my more recent years, I have come to terms and dealt with a lot of the issues that scrambled me before. I have the drive to share what I’ve learned and hopefully spark inspiration and desire for success and happiness in the minds of others who have been in my situation.
The reason that I can sit here and write about morning coffees and meditation, work ethic and productivity is because I have already been through all the shit. I’ve made almost all the mistakes and had all the misfortunes you’re meant to have in a lifetime.
I’ve always been told that I am much wiser and more mature than someone my age, and the sad thing is that trauma and negative experiences will do that to you. But I am in a way thankful that things started out so wrong. I never take anything for granted. I know that everything I have in my life right now is surplus to what I once had.
For me, happiness and success is a very obtainable baseline. All I need is loving relationships, a stable roof over my head, a reason to wake up each morning and enough money to keep my head above water.
I feel like wellness, health and fitness and online industries push the message of happiness, law of attraction and productivity etc – which can often seem alien to someone who hasn’t grown up from privileged background. I want to break the stigma that you have to “be a certain person” or live a certain way to be happy and sucessful.
Happiness and success isn’t money or smashing your goals all the time, it’s contentment.
Thank you for reading this blog post. This has been way more detailed and personal than I usually go into, and to save myself from burnout – I am going to do follow ups to “my story” over 4 parts.